Disappearing Act

More crazy dating and relationship stories.

A Hail Mary contact before finishing my Match subscription wrote. Not perfect on the face, as he had a kid, but he seemed sincere.

So I gave him my number and he called. We were starting to have some conversation, didn’t get too deep. We have a shared military background. That’s about as far as it got when he had to go, to take another call I think, and he said he’d call back in a few minutes.

Sure, I said.

Those few minutes never came.

No email, either.

I get the feeling that the call that came in was another woman, one that he was more interested in. Or perhaps he doesn’t date ex military gals.

That has to be one of the weirdest dating experiences I’ve had. We haven’t even met, and he disappears. Was it something I said? Whatever it was, it was his issue, not mine. I realize that.

Maybe he was testing me, to see if I’d call or write. Hey dude, I wasn’t the one who had to go. You call ME. If you don’t have the decency to call back, you don’t deserve me calling you. You failed the basic common decency test.

So I wrote it off as a crazy dating story. One less crazy to deal with.

In other news, the other dude texts out of the blue, that too bad I wasn’t closer to him, we could go see The Book of Eli together.

I waited a day, and then texted back that he clearly did not desire my company, so it was all good and that I hoped that he enjoyed the movie.

He texted back that it was too late to ask, as it was an hour before the show at the time he asked, but that’s bullshit. If you were on the fence about going to the movie, I could understand that, but don’t text me that bullshit when there is still time for me to get there. It was a lazy Sunday evening. Your ass was thinking about going to see that movie for some time before you wrote your text.

I know your game, you’re trying to make me want you.

Buddy, you lost that game a long time ago when you revealed yourself to be a colossal time waster. I’m going to waste my time my way, thank you very much. I don’t need you to help me waste it. Of course, he hasn’t figured that out yet. He probably thinks that I’m still interested and that he can have me if he wants to. Sorry, pal. I don’t think I could stomach it.

 

Reconsideration

It is time to reconsider just about everything I know and everything I am. The ghosts of my depression still hang around sometimes. The last month or two have been stressful and it has shown up on my face, which doesn’t help my self esteem.

Working for yourself is a great ideal, but I’m not sure I can really do that in this business. I really don’t have the resources to advertise, and I definitely don’t have the resources I need in terms of administrative support. It may be something I choose to do on the side, but I am not sure that this is right for me, if it ever has been.

The challenge is figuring out what to do with myself. I have so many talents, and yet I am nowhere near where I should be. That eats at my soul in so many ways, and even though I want to tough it out, I know that I need to pick my battles wisely. I don’t feel that I am doing that.

I was encouraged early on but something changed, and I’m not sure that I can continue. As such, it is back to the drawing board… and I don’t like the fact that I have to rebuild my life again… and again… and again.

One little bit of levity… a text from the dude. After getting into a bit of somewhat deep discussion on Facebook in response to his simplistic postings about due process, he got all turned on by my “creating thought provoking conversation.” lol.

“Tonight is a night I wish I had some of your kisses.”

“I know..its a package deal. LOL.”

lol, dumbass. You fucked up. If you had cared to stop doing all the talking, you would have found a lot more where that came from. But I let the comment slide, because I have no desire to talk about what could have been and how absolutely turned off I am by his unserious nature and simplistic thinking. Even if he really wanted to go there, I couldn’t do it anymore. Too much water under the bridge. That is one thing I don’t need to reconsider. I dodged a bullet, indeed.

 

Balance

I am eternally seeking it.

My anger over the issues with the guy has really started to subside. I find myself thinking about the relationship a lot less, and am cool with not speaking to him but occasionally now that we have shifted over to “friends” mode.

Last week he set me off a bit with some bullshit in a text message about the business he supposedly wants to put together. In this exchange, I found out that he isn’t really serious about it. If he was serious, he would have had a plan – but he had none. It had made me angry because I thought he was serious and I have been trying to help him. I was wasting my time. Again.

It hit me again that he was just not serious about anything that involved changing his life. And then I went off on him a bit, and told him what was on my brain. In a nutshell, it was that he wasn’t serious, and that he shouldn’t expect me to keep wasting my time.

He also spouted some bullshit about how his stuff would be so great that I would tell people I knew him and that I kissed him for hours, and that no one would believe me until he acknowledged me. It was meant to be a joke. Well I let him know that I regret that kissing. I did not let him know just how deeply I regret it (with every fiber of my being), but that it was a huge mistake and that I would never speak of it in public.

Well, it’s amazing how much easier it has been to not think about him since getting that off my chest. He hasn’t said anything about it but I’m sure it’s lost on him how I really feel. Not lost as in he doesn’t understand, but lost as in he doesn’t care. Par for the course with him. Everything is about him.

As time goes on, I care less and less. I have my own shit to take care of and I don’t have time for someone who isn’t serious about building relationships. He is not looking for a partner, he is looking for an accessory (I did tell him that). He wants someone that fits into his life and enriches it, without thinking about what it means to give in return. He wants to love in a biblical sense, true love as described in Corinthians I. But he is unwilling to extend himself, so he won’t do it until he does.

I don’t believe him to be incapable of it… he is just not excited about me and took me for granted. He would have been settling. I’m glad he didn’t, because I would have been too.

Of course, I had to figure all this out by myself since he didn’t feel like being honest and telling me what he felt. Another black mark. If he ever decides to settle and chase me, I won’t take it, because I already know just how full of shit he is when it comes to relationships.

I guess I am still a bit angry about it, because I made a bad decision. He showed early signs of crazy and I should have just stayed away the first time I realized he was full of shit. I played myself because there was one quality I really wanted, and he was good looking. But thank God that is over.

I can finally feel myself starting to come back to a state of equilibrium.

 

Hard Lessons

Life is full of them right now.

I had to move from my cousin’s and get my own space. In many ways, it is good because I really did need more space. But it created a financial burden that wreaked a firestorm due to bad timing.

It has cost me so much and I have had to extend myself so much that it’s been really painful. It is a lesson to keep a sharper look on my finances, something I’ve been lax about in the past because I just automatically paid everything.

I’m also learning that I sometimes have to deny myself things. I am so used to getting whatever I wanted at any given time that I never had as deep a respect for money as I should have.

I’ve also discovered that being poor will turn you into a vegetarian. Grocery shopping is an eye-opening thing. Meat is pricey and only can be bought when on sale, and I mean a good sale, not stuff at $3.50/lb. Pricey juices like Bolthouse? Get it when it’s on sale. I’m learning the power of going to bed a little hungry. It’s not that I haven’t eaten, it’s just that after a bag of frozen vegetables and a couple of eggs, I was still hungry. Fortunately, I had an apple to fall back on. It filled the gap.

I had been spending without really thinking… seeing something on sale and getting it because I wouldn’t be able to again for a while. But now I am thinking.

So now I must really tighten my belt, in order to be mindful of my money. No more $14 meals at Cosi because I want the soup with the salad and drink, even if I get a free one after 10 visits. Learning to pack lunch. Needing to organize my time better so that I can start taking Metro to my part time job, since it should save me a little gas and maintenance on my car.

The next few months will be difficult but I am asking the Lord to give me his grace and cover me. I am accepting his shaping and discipline, although as a stupid human, not perfectly but I’m trying. I am continuing to look for additional part time work so that I can build this business and make it into something great that can not only sustain me, but really flourish.

 

Sensitivity Chip

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

- Jann Arden, Insensitive.

How? You have no passion to begin with, and you’re going through the motions. Maybe you’re just taking because you can, and maybe part of you entertains the idea of something more but you just can’t get beyond yourself to give more of yourself.

In a nutshell…he’s just not that into you.

Well, today he decides to text me and offer to help me move this weekend. I guess his (in)sensitivity chip malfunctioned. Thanks, but I won’t be making that call. I don’t want to inconvenience him.

In more positive news, I found a bed that I really like and have ordered it. Moving is going to be a good thing, coming at the right time. Shaking off the man, leaving the crazy half-dating relationship behind and getting back to basics in my own space.

It is a good time for a new beginning.

 

Striking Out – It’s Official

No, lightning has not struck. He’s not serious. Or rather, I did not blow him away enough. Either way, he’s not willing to give me the time to develop an emotional bond. He’s just not that into me. He’s so self centered that he can’t deign to do what it takes to build a relationship with me.

She really has to be something else for that to happen, I suppose.

 

Lightning Strikes?

It may have.

Match has finally turned up a good penny… an incredible penny! He is a rare, rare jewel among men. Good looking, almost ridiculously so (He does some occasional modeling work). Tall, almost ridiculously so (6′5″), although a tad skinny. Stable, good job, and best of all? He is a Christian man who is serious about the Lord. Amazing!!

Now, this penny isn’t perfect (are they ever?) – he doesn’t have an idyllic background. But I get a sense of his heart and I feel that he’s got a good one. We met today for dinner and our “meet and greet” (I really don’t want to call it a date) was 5 hours long. I’d say first impressions were good all the way around!

One funny thing he did was he printed out my profile, my picture, and even one of the writings of Lao Tzu (I have been reading The Way of Life According to Lao Tzu). He underlined things, highlighted things, made notes about stuff to discuss… I was taken aback. I read his profile but didn’t study it like that!!

But it was all good, it made for good starting points in conversation. And the man can talk, he is a real talker. He thought I didn’t speak much but I don’t like interrupting people when they’re talking, and I let him talk. I’m more of a listener but I will be outspoken when I feel the need.

I liked him and invited him to come watch the Friday evening quarterfinals of the Legg Mason Tennis Classic. I have been wanting to go for years, and he likes tennis… so I think this is a good opportunity to enjoy his company even more. Thankfully, he agreed.

I’m very jazzed – at the very least, I think I’ve potentially made a very good friend.

 

Every Day Is A Winding Road

It really is. You learn stuff every day. And try as you might, you’re going to make mistakes even when someone has told you the best path.

I must become more anal about communicating in writing.

And I must really do a better job of estimating my time. This is why flat fees suck, when someone takes a lot of time that you normally would not expect.

 

Post-Racial

That term is a load of bs.

Why, look at my Match inbox.

Every day they send me 5 new matches. Overwhelmingly, the matches are white. Occasionally, I get someone who is non-white. Now contrast that with those who have winked or emailed: those are overwhelmingly black.

Now, granted, I am a picky person and have a lot of stuff in my profile that would scare off all the wrong people for me. Such as wanting a Christian partner and that religion would be a dealbreaker in the long term.

But why, then, is the response to me overwhelmingly black? Is it just the black men who do not care what the heck I wrote? No, I think it’s more than that.

I know that I end up in people’s search that I otherwise would not, because I listed myself as also being Asian – white enough. I am, and I have the last name to prove it. But I don’t look it, I’m just very fair for a black woman. I took a nice picture, too.

So, why not wink at the crazy Jesus freak anyway because she put up this huge wall of text and you’re only looking at pics anyway? I get the nagging feeling it’s because I’m black.

In sending that “Daily 5,” Match doesn’t send the full profile for you to read. They set up a special page that distills out a lot of pertinent info that I’m looking for. Namely, their desired preferences for their date. So I pop open their search page in a new tab and then look the person up by name.

Many times, they make it easy for me and put in that they are only looking for whites, Asians/Pacific Islanders, or Latinas. I see that quite a bit, actually. I then return to the special profile page and tell it that I am not interested and move on to the next supposed match. A lot of men list every possible ethinicity but Black/African American.

Classy. It is the equivalent of “anything but black” and while I know it in my head, it is something my heart refuses to wrap itself around. I hate “anything but” anything.

On very rare occasion, I will get a match that interests me. Of the ones that interest me, most are white, probably because of the ratio of white matches sent to me. But I have been intrigued by a few of the black men that it sent me, and this one Latino guy. When I said yes I’m interested, however, I haven’t heard a peep back from any of them. I guess they are not paying members.

So this whole thing is rather depressing, actually. I decided to browse Plenty of Fish before remotely thinking about putting any money into it and boy was I glad. That selection of men is even more depressing than Match’s, especially from a looks standpoint.

Whatever… at this point I’m pretty comfortable being by myself, and I don’t have to worry about offending anyone with my issues.

 

Anger, Love and Money

First, a brief update. Nothing back from the engineer. I’m content to never call him again. I am not willing to put myself on the wrong side of that kind of anger again. He was so pissed off, it changed his view of our relationship enough that it put it the future in doubt. Pissed off that much over a misunderstanding? Nah, no thanks, I will do without. He said he wasn’t angry any more, but clearly it did more than enough damage. That’s enough for me.

In your anger, do not sin.
- Ephesians 4:26

It really hits home now, and takes on new meaning. I feel like I am letting go of my anger, but perhaps that just has not been put to the test. I have come to realize (with some help) that my anger is what has clouded my judgment about myself, my family and my sister in particular. Letting it go is the healthiest thing that I can do for myself, especially under the circumstances that I’ve been in.

Work: coming along. I’m taking a lot of classes. Going solo is no joke. I wish it was easier but that’s not my luck in life.

Dating: what dating? Match sucks for me. And when I go out networking it is to make business contacts, not to hook up. My mother called the other day to tell me that Arlington is the #2 place to go for dating wealthy singles.

Big fucking deal.

It sounds nice at first, but I’m not a material girl. Moreover, I’m not in a position to be an equal partner yet.

The way I see it, money creates a power imbalance in most relationships. I don’t want to be “taken care of” if I can’t do the same or similar in return. I make jokes at my new part time job about “my future rich boyfriend” and the jewelry he’s going to buy me. There is this one set of earrings and a necklace in particular that catches my eye every day I show up.

But I don’t want any man to buy me jewelry when all I have to give in return is my love. A) I’m not for sale, and B) I don’t want to be obligated to anyone to do anything and it doesn’t matter how much money he makes, expensive gifts create obligations and expectations that I am afraid I might never meet. I don’t ever want to put myself in a position where a man could think he could lord himself over me because of his material goods. I feel like it would require submission, and I am not submissive (most of the time). And although one could “top from the bottom,” I don’t want to do that either. It’s just too much of a head game.

I realize that I’m just not comfortable with lots of money. And I now realize that I see relationships through a filter of power and control. I like power, I am attracted to power – not the material kind, but the personal kind. But an excess of the material adds weight to the personal and I really couldn’t have that. I want to be an equal partner.

Yes, the idea of being taken care of tempts – it really does. Being taken care of would allow me to pursue my real passions – my art, travel, exploring, fitness, and service opportunities. But I feel like it might come at too high a cost. The cost being…what? My freedom? But isn’t that ultimately the core of it?

Hm, now who’s the commitment-phobe? Interesting. Am I secretly preserving my right to leave? Maybe I am. Not having to work and depending on someone else for your survival… that is a gilded cage. I don’t like depending on anyone else. I hate asking for help, I feel that I can’t do it gracefully. I much prefer to be the giver. It truly is better to give than to receive, for me.

I’m not sure what I would do if I met someone whose love language was gifts. They would hate the fact that I couldn’t receive their expression of love in a graceful way, and that such an expression would be almost meaningless to me. I would leave the gifts behind in a heartbeat if I had to. And yet, I would still prefer to be a giver.

I find my fear to be somewhat fascinating. I guess I really have been burned that badly in the past, that I am determined to be the one to walk out if I have to. Learning how to accept an expensive gift as a heartfelt expression of love while unable to respond in kind is a life lesson I have yet to learn, and really don’t want to learn. With my luck, I really won’t have to.

I guess that is a cold comfort.