When I was a child, I used to have a very artistic flair. I used to enjoy designing clothes, drawing people, etc. I had a very advanced talent for drawing people, especially women, but had made great strides in drawing men.

And then I went to college, and that stopped. It was a talent that had gone unused for years… but lately, I’ve been reconnecting with my art. My time in Second Life has been very creative, allowing me to make beautiful communities. And now I’m taking it to a new level. But my brain hurts in the process… if you don’t use you do lose something, if not all of it.

So now I’m learning how to model things in 3d. It is interesting and a real learning experience. I have made bedposts for a bed I made in SL. It would normally have taken me at least 3 primitive objects (prims) to have made it inside the game, but using the new modeling software, it just took 1. I’m toying with it…. and I also have a tablet for drawing with that needs a little work.

It’s a bit of a release for me, because I feel like I’m growing, doing something productive that makes me happy. Unlike the other parts of my life, I find myself challenged in a meaningful way and I am happy to engage it.

Now for the rest of my drama…

It has been, for quite some time. I feel like I’ve been destroying myself and I didn’t really care.

I’m starting to fight back. I am starting to really look into counseling. This is so anathema to me. I barely darken the door of an MD’s office, a shrink is the last place I thought I’d ever go.

Title speaks for itself, doesn’t it.

Although much of my life is mundane and not worth writing about, there is an element here that is of some concern to me…of being increasingly withdrawn. I’m aware of it but can’t really stop myself. Shit, it has taken me weeks to write this post in its entirety.

I don’t feel like myself. I have been unhappy with lots of things about myself for some time and haven’t had the motivation to really make a change. What is it? It’s a mishmash of fear, pride, doubt, complacency, and of all things, a sense of entitlement.

We all have our private hells. I must like being roasty toasty in mine. I feel the beginnings of something… maybe a sliver of my old self starting to chip through this thing I’ve become?

I’ve been wanting a big do-over for some time now. I can pick out a few junctures at which a do-over might do me well. I’d reconsider going to law school, for one. Maybe change choice of college… shed things that are not part of me, but are watershed points that could have driven me in a totally different direction if I made a different choice.

I’ve been seriously considering going to counseling. I feel like this funk … depression … has really set in and it’s affecting me in so many ways, negatively. It might be one of those times where I have to reach up for help when I really don’t want to.

I feel a little something, though…

It was just another day.

A friend took me out to dinner, where I summarily cried.

It was a nice place, though, some great cajun food. The tears … why else? I have this huge void right now and it’s never going to be filled. You can’t replace a person. You never understand how much people mean to you until they are gone.

So it’s been a couple of weeks since the big 33, and guess who calls out of the blue, but my favorite mistake. It seems he’s picked up a new Second Life habit. I didn’t tell him who I was in there, but I will confirm if he finds me. But right now I think he’s a little too busy roleplaying the Gorean stuff to truly care, but that’s okay. I didn’t come into SL for teh sexies. If that is his bag, so be it. I didn’t want my second life mingling with my first, anyway.

Not that it hasn’t tempted, in other ways. My SL boyfriend - it stays purely in SL - is often like an extension of myself, and I of him. It’s scary. Sometimes we are thinking the exact same thing and are completing each other’s sentences but with different words. We understand each other. I genuinely care for him and his well being, and he for me.

What’s the problem? Some of the usual, and some not -

1. Distance (usual)
2. Age - he’s old enough to be my dad (!)
2. The showstopper - he’s married in real life.

How the hell did that happen?

He’s a lovely, warm and charming individual at any age, and we have a natural affinity. I’ve tried breaking up with him and just backing off, but we can’t. How do you give that up? I have a real friend I can talk to, who understands me… you don’t know how rare that is.

His wife, who is not that much older than me, also plays. I know her, I respect her, and she respects me. But she is insanely jealous - both irl and in SL. I managed to break that barrier and she trusts me. As well she should, because I’m not out to take her husband away from her, unlike other women.

I will admit to some level of curiosity, but not enough to wreck his life. His marriage is important to me; she is important to me. When the rubber meets the road, this is what is most important, and I care most about his happiness. But if he were a younger man and free… this would be a dangerous situation for me. Not physically, but emotionally - because I would be willing to explore this thing we’ve started and maybe mix lives.

But alas, I compartmentalize. That is what we do, live our lives in these little compartments. First in first, second in second. The only people who understand are those who do the same thing. Which is why the favorite mistake called, I guess. When you have this exuberance, you need to share with someone who understands. And I understand.

Is this the path to reconciliation? Hardly.

I know in my heart what I should have known since the first time around with us - he would be settling. He would be dating me out of laziness. Not that I am a gnawed up shoe, but his ideal girl just isn’t me. And if she ever came along, I’d be the gnawed up shoe and it would be sorry, baby, but hit the bricks.

Screw that.

I want that fire - I want someone who has a real passion for me, and I for him. That is just not us. At least I am wise enough to know it now - and I will not let him pester me into a relationship through SL.

At least in SL, there is this handy feature to mute others…